Creep of the Year: Tony Perkins

By D'Anne Witkowski
Originally printed 1/2/2014 (Issue 2201 - Between The Lines News)

As 2013 draws to a close, it seems like all anybody wants to talk about is ducks. Well, let me tell you, I really don't care about Phil Robertson and what he thinks about gay people. I have never seen "Duck Dynasty" and up until now the show has played no role in my life except when I'd occasionally ask myself, "What the fuck is Duck Dynasty?" But then Robertson had to open up to a reporter at GQ and say, "It seems like, to me, a vagina - as a man - would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: there's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes!"

This, in addition to saying that being gay is a sin and likening it to bestiality, angered a lot of folks.

Then on Dec. 22 Robertson reportedly said in his defense, "I am just reading what was written over 2,000 years ago."

You tell 'em, Robertson. In fact, I believe it was Moses who said, "Thou shalt tap a woman's beaver, not a man's ass."

The fact is, equality for lesbians and gays has taken some super huge steps forward in 2013. And there's nothing a reality show quack can say to stop it.

There are, however, professional bigots who we saw a lot of in 2013 and can expect to see plenty more of in 2014. Which means as long as there is money to be made hating gay people, the Family Research Council's Tony Perkins will be sitting pretty.

Perkins was Creep of the Week not once, not twice, but three separate times in 2013. Runners up: Pat "I wish I had a 'puke' button to click on Facebook whenever I see a photo of gay guys kissing" Robertson and Dave "Gays lie to get healthcare for all of their AIDS buddies" Agema were runners up scoring two Creep Weeks each. Congrats, fellas.

Perkins could have certainly racked up some more Creep Weeks but I felt it only fair to give other haters a chance. Still, it might seem unfair to choose Perkins as this year's Creepstakes Winner since he is, after all, a professional at all things anti-gay. But hey, the man works hard all year, full time, trying to make life worse for LGBT people. That takes a heart of gold. And I mean that literally, not metaphorically, in that Perkins likely has a hunk of some kind of metal behind his rib cage, not an actual human heart. And he can probably afford to get it gold plated.

A run down of Perkins' Creep-complishments this year: Making an argument against gun control legislation by saying that the United States needs more gay sex control legislation instead. Throwing a hissy fit after the Defense of Marriage Act was overturned, claiming that the Supreme Court had hijacked the nation. Declaring that gays should neither have cake nor eat it at their "counterfeit" weddings, especially if that cake was made and supplied by Betty Crocker herself.

So congrats to Tony Perkins on being 2013's Creep of the Year! Your prize is a year supply of penis-shaped cakes so that you can eat a dick all through 2014. And hey, I don't want to offend you, so I'll use only Duncan Hines. Enjoy!

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