Arts & Entertainment
Preydar Comes Out
By Charles Alexander
Originally printed 9/19/2013 (Issue 2138 - Between The Lines News)
It's a sociological truism that gays and lesbians are mainstreaming American metropolitan societies almost invisibly, certainly seamlessly, perhaps as never at any time before in our rainbow history.
Yes, increasingly, we are looking like everybody else. Only more so.
Born with innate God-given "gaydar" sixth sense, we have little difficulty identifying each other. A blessing of sorts, one supposes. It goes with the territory, even if the compass occasionally gets out of whack. Points in the wrong direction.
For others - fundamentalist and evangelical believers for example - ID-ing who is, who might possibly be, who isn't homosexual, presents ongoing challenges to their respective salvation beliefs, specifically to what's known as "bar ministry outreach."
What's triggered a growing alarm among fundygelicals is the recent number of choir directors, pastors, ex-Gay therapists, head ushers, board and vestry members, mega-church parking lot attendants, pastoral body guards, camp counselors who have, either by chance, foolhardy carelessness, persistent blackmail TXT-ing, been caught with their proverbial pinstripe pants unzipped and/or biblically down. Who would have thought?
Mind-blowing among such theocratic closet cases is Council Bluffs, Iowa, youth pastor Brent Giroeux who, reports Advocate magazine, allegedly had sex with several teenage boys - 60 counts of suspected sexual exploitation - while praying to rid them of 'homosexual urges'. (Obviously his spiritual zeal and discernment got just a tad out of hand.)
Interestingly, it seems that now such shocking breaches of morality and good manners are soon to be past history; at least it's hoped that such will be the case thanks to a new, Smartphone app called Preydar, er, sorry, correction, Praydar, designed to identify at a glance bottom-line specifics of the so-called gay lifestyle, so many of us purportedly enjoy.
According to the Praydar inventor, Harley-Hamilton Noserunner, a Southern Baptist bona-fide deacon by total water immersion, and a distant cousin removed of famed (if somewhat tainted) evangelist diva, Aimee Semple McPherson, "This Smartphone app is a godsend to cutting to the quick about the Gay Agenda; yea, verily: a small, comfortable hand-held tool to use in these 'Left Behind' days before Jesus comes.
"By focusing the cellphone with this Holy Ghost end times app, it will be a piece of heavenly cake, so to speak - with flaming tongues and hasty genuflections - to tell when pointing at someone who's suspected of being gay if indeed they really, truly are, and not just pretending because it's thought to be the 'in' thing to do. Or, worse, because they're closeted.
"A discrete pink halo surrounds the app image. Straights halo as either green or puce. And, depending upon the brightness of the halo, you can also tell at a glance whether the sought-after sinner is sexually active or passive, well-equipped mentally or physically, and so suit your on-your-knees-to-pray conversion approach or debriefing strategies accordingly.
"While the app's designed to facilitate better bar ministry - witnessing for Christ in out-of-the-way watering holes, dimly lighted backrooms, adjacent church parking structures - there's also an ecumenical aspect.
"The Praydar app, provided by Catholic parents to teenage altar boy sons, can prevent possible misunderstandings during requisite confessions and very high holy days of obligation. The possibilities are rewardingly limitless. Amen!" (Pronounced Ah-men.)