Parting Glances: And A Big Bow Wow!

By Charles Alexander

A federally funded study by People & Friends of Cats and Dogs (P-FCD) says that "persons of rainbow personality make the best dog owners, but have little influence on cats - although this should not be misconstrued as homophobia on the part of America's feline population."

The P-FCD Study - "Are American Pets at Risk with Gay/Lesbian Owners?" - finds that "dogs owned by lgbts are happier, better mannered, more likely to heel and fetch than dogs reared by straights. They shed less - the dogs not the heterosexuals - during summer months and do their gender sniffing and hydrant marking in a covert, more decorous manner."

Interestingly too is the Study finding that most breeds - with the exception of Pekingese, Chihuahuas, dachshunds - show marked sporting instincts: catching Frisbees, treeing squirrels, chasing unmarked police cars, when raised by lesbians.

"Rottweilers, when dyke raised, tend to be one-owner breed. They are loyal to a fault. (The dogs, not the dykes.) Curiously, Pitt bulls become remarkably docile when trained by lipstick lesbian owners in suburban settings.

"Breeds raised by gay men seldom bark or if they do it's in quieter tones, and are less likely to eat ill-prepared dinner scraps or TV frozen dinner leftovers. They also show a preference for dog houses that are painted in warmer tones and edged with white lattice work. Collars preferred are with sequins and, in leather outings, studs or spikes."

The old saying, You can't teach an old dog new tricks, has been proven "to be utterly false and denigrating to aging canine populations. Old dogs -- with gay owners as role models -- are actually remarkably adept at doing new tricks."

A big disappointment of the Study is with the finicky cat population. It was determined that cats raised by lgbts were just as likely to be as independent as cats raised by straights. "The truth is, that cats just don't give a rat's winkie if you're straight or gay. If you feed them on time, they just couldn't care less. And whatever you do, don't smoke their catnip."

There is a note of progress, however. For some reason "alley cats seem to live longer when kept by gay, single males. This applies whether neutered or unneutered." (The cats, not the single males.)

Not everyone is pleased with the P-FCD findings. In The Family Way, a right-wing vigilante organization headquartered in Free-Fall, Montana, expresses outrage at the P-FCD in its monthly newsletter, "The Litter Box." Editorial correction: That should be Letter.

"The Gay Agenda stops at nothing," opines the editorial. "Not only do they want special rights, the right to marry and adopt children, now they want to raise America's wagtail majority: our innocent dogs and cats, as same-sex household pets. Maybe a poodle or two, but not a born-again boxer. Never!"

The editorial ends with the usual request for money in the "cultural war to save our four-footed friends from a life of pampering and eternal perdition. Heaven loves a cheerful benefactor."

How true. Give a pup or kitten a loving home in 2013. Call the Michigan Humane Society today. Happy Arf! Mary Meow! And a Perverted Purr!

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