God bless gay waiters!

By Charles Alexander

Parting Glances

It almost goes without saying, but the second oldest profession in the world is that of the gay waiter. According to U.S. Census 2010 there are four million gay waiters.

While this seems at first glance to be high as far as that time-honored table serving profession goes, the United States ranks tenth, behind India and Argentina.

As for restaurant big cities: as might be expected, New York, Chicago, San Francisco each clocks in with 150,000 gay waiters. Locally, Ferndale MI and Royal Oak MI number 200 each, many of whom have received their gay-specific table training at nearby community colleges.

(Course offerings, as listed in one community college catalog include: Handling Heterosexually Finicky Eaters; Metro-Sexual Outfits to Make A Lasting Gourmet Impression; Wine and European Cuisine Pronunciation; Are Coney Islands A Gay Friendly Career Choice for Beginners?)

Not everyone is happy politically about America's seemingly over abundance of gay waiters. The American Familiar Ass'n, for one, is initiating a campaign urging restaurant chains not to hire gay waiters. Called, Turning the Tables On Temptation, the group staged a week-long, round-the-clock, sit-in at New York's popular All Night Beef & Chicken Bistro on Off Broadway.

According to AFA televangelist Dr. Renfrew B. Denser, "Gay waiters are bringing America to its knees collectively. They are infiltrating traditional family meeting places where food and drinks are blatantly seasoned with 'campy' encouragement to recruit others to the Gay Agenda. Their menu is laced with insinuating verbal anti-America saltpeter."

An article appearing in this month's AFA's issue of The Sky Is Falling warns that Washington. D.C. is being "infiltrated by gay waiters. For every congressman or senator in our nation's capital there are three gay waiters, none of whom, by the way, vote Republican.

"Such open access to our governing representatives - especially at the Supreme Court level - is accorded to none other of our citizenry; yet gay waiters can go about their nefarious business seemingly unmolested. Rumor has it that it was a gay waiter who first served Congressman Barney Frank a flaming dessert. Look what happened."

(Note in passing: that same issue of The Sky Is Falling carries a full page advertisement for Dr. Denser's biblical commentary on a recent Gnostic gospel find that in translation of the Aramaic of Jesus' time maintains that Judas Iscariot was probably a Galilean gay waiter who got a little-too generous silver coin tip.")

How do gay waiters in the Ferndale and Royal Oak view these AFA accusations? According to well-known restauranteur Peter Mel - who knows a thing or two about gay waiters and what makes them tick-tock - "It's been my extensive, but modest, experience with gay waiters I've encountered that they can usually hold their own.

"As a rule of thumb, gay waiters measure up as good breeding types. I've found my older customers like to be serviced by them. It's been nothing but positive word of mouth about their legendary efficiency above and beyond the call of duty. They've made many a person's day succinctly stimulating.

"As my friend Oakland County Commissioner Craig Covey puts it, "I never met a gay waiter I wouldn't tip generously."


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