Dear Jody: Sick and tired of waiting!


Q:

It's two in the morning, and I'm sitting here again waiting for "John," my partner, to get home. I swore I wouldn't ever be in a relationship like this again, but here I am.

Let me tell you a little history: My first love - a long-term relationship - was with a British guy who was over here going to school at the University of Michigan. I thought we had a monogamous relationship but, lo and behold, one night I found him with another guy - in our bed, no less. My first reaction was to leave him, but he promised to never stray again, saying it was just a one-time thing. He assured me that he had never done anything like this before, and he never would again. Of course he did do it again - several times before I finally left him.

Then, two years later, I fell in love with John. We're settled down doing the couple thing, then he starts cheating on me. I had told John a lot about what happened to me with the guy from England. John assured me that he was all into being monogamous. To make a long story short, John cheated on me too, so I broke up with him.

Then, 10 months ago, John and I got back together. Before we did, he swore that he would never be like that again.

Well, I don't have proof he is out screwing other guys, but I have spent many nights waiting up for him. His excuse is always that he just lost track of time - "talking." He always apologizes and says it will never happen again, but about once or twice a month I find myself sitting up waiting, wondering and getting angry.

What should I do? I love John, but this is ruining our relationship.

Waiting Worried and Pissed Off

A: Don't you and John have cell phones? If he's running late, can't he call? Or can't you call him? If you both do have cells, it makes me wonder why he doesn't call, and why you don't contact him on these occasions. Is it that he doesn't really want you to know what he's doing? And you don't really want to know?

At the very least, John seems inconsiderate, especially knowing what has happened before. I don't know what your bottom line is in this relationship, but you need to figure it out.

You also need to figure out why you are attracted to, and put up with, men that cheat or let you sit at home worrying that they are cheating?

When we see a pattern in our relationships that doesn't serve us well, it is important to understand why this is happening and figure out how to make changes so it doesn't continue.

Is she a baby dyke?

Q: My daughter is 12. I think she might be a baby dyke. She is certainly a "tomboy" and always has been. She doesn't seem to relate much to what other girls her age relate to. She is more interested in sports and outdoor activities than boys, makeup, clothes, etc. Her teacher says she gets along fine with everyone in the class but she seems to hang out more with boys - just as pals - than with the girls in her class.

How do I support her if she is? I don't want her to grow up in the closet like I did - and I'm still there. Do you think I should sit down and mention to her my suspicions so she knows I am OK with it, if she is gay?

One Closet Per Household

A: I think it is wonderful that you want to support your daughter in a way that you haven't been supported in your life. Your daughter is lucky to have you on her team. Your daughter may or may not be a baby dyke; it might just be that she has differing tastes and interests than her peers. And she may not even be into thinking that much about her sexuality at this point. But, she certainly needs to be supported for whoever she is, or the things that she is interested in.

Growing up, people come into and deal with their sexuality at different times; there's no magic age. The best way for you to convey to your daughter that she's OK, if she's gay, is for you to live your life without shame - and with pride. When she sees you accepting yourself and living your life openly, she will know that she too can be whoever she is and be accepted and supported by you.

Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. Reach Jody at DearJodyValley@hotmail.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.
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