Creep of the Week: Family Research Council

By D'Anne Witkowski

On May 28, President Obama declared June 2010 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Month. Such a declaration was, according to the Family Research Council, an outspoken foe of LGBT people and rights, tantamount to declaring war on "traditional" families.

"Happy sexual deviance month - or, as this President likes to call it, Gay Pride Month," begins a shrill edition of FRC's Washington Update online.

Ha, ha. Get it? "Sexual deviance month," because to the Family Research Council LGBTs aren't people; they're walking, talking sex acts, no more human than feral cats screaming and screwing in dark alleys all summer long. LGBTs are not, as Obama says in his Pride Month declaration, "Our mothers and fathers, our sons and daughters, and our friends and neighbors." Nope. The FRC wants to make it clear that LGBTs are just people who want to fuck on the taxpayer dime.

"Under this administration, every month feels like one long same-sex parade," the message continues.

I must not watch enough CNN because I seem to have missed this so-called "parade." Especially since, to the FRC, a gay parade consists of undulating twinks in neon pink banana hammocks shaking their assess to Madonna songs on a parade float shaped like a giant cock ring, followed by fat lesbians on motorcycles and drag queens on stilts. If this kind of thing has been going on in the White House since Obama was elected, then shame on the press corps for missing some really incredible photo ops.

The idea that there could be anything to celebrate about LGBT people stupefies the FRC. Like I said, these aren't people we're talking about, these are threats to every aspect of American life.

"(Obama) called on 'every American' to spend the month celebrating their movement - a movement dedicated to destroying marriage, free speech, public health, religious liberty and (after the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal) national security."

Gays are, in the eyes of the FRC, terrorists holding the American people hostage. In the gay-run post apocalyptic world envisioned by the FRC, traditional one-man-one-woman marriage will be but a distant memory and all Americans will be forced to gay-marry each other and have sex openly in all Kindergarten classrooms. If you have something against that you'd better shut your mouth, lest the speech police lock you in the kinky S&M dungeons that will replace all prisons.

Bodily fluids will flow down the streets. Everyone will have AIDS. No one will believe in gods of any kind and the only deity anyone will be allowed to worship is the current International Mr. Leather. Our all-fag army will be easily defeated by morally righteous nations that advocate death for gays and the United States of Gaymerica will be no more.

Sure, I may be exaggerating FRC's position a bit. But I doubt it's by much. Just look at their reaction to Obama's expansion of domestic partner benefits for federal workers:

"If agency men decide to sleep with other men - or if a government worker chooses to dress in drag and sleep with anyone - you'll be picking up the tab," FRC cries.

This is, of course, a gross exaggeration of Obama's policies. Cross-dressers who "sleep with anyone," huh? It takes more than sleeping with someone to be a domestic partner, or - dare I say it? - husband or wife. Sex is only part of the equation in a committed relationship. But of course, it's the only part of the equation FRC will acknowledge. Anything else might make LGBT people too human. And we can't have that.

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