entertainment

Girls gone ... boring

'SNL' alumnae star in 'Spring Breakdown,' but unfunny, cliche script brings little to the party

By Chris Azzopardi

Originally printed 6/18/2009 (Issue 1725 - Between The Lines News)

The DVD Low-Down

Thank goodness Amy Poehler has a sitcom. And Parker Posey has her gay support group. And Rachel Dratch? Well, ah, yeah - she has her pride. Or what's left after conceiving this bleak straight-to-DVD girlfriends-flick I wish I could call a romp. Except it's not fun. And barely funny.

Imagine sitting through "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" ... without the quippy laughs, without the well-played friendship theme, without the cool commentary on the "in" crowd and without the Cyndi Lauper number. Oh, wait! "Spring Breakdown" does have that via a circa-'80s intro in which the nerdy-girl gaggle takes on "True Colors" at a college talent show - and, of course, get a lot of WTF? stink-eye stares. It's actually funny in a silly that-was-me-in-high-school way, but it's cheap. And old.

But "Spring Breakdown" only knows old; it's the sloppy seconds of just about every girl-power comedy. It's the three "R"s: reduce, reuse, recycle. And it's bad. So bad. In it, the dreadfully dorky trio of Gayle (Poehler), Becky (Posey) and Judi (Dratch, who co-wrote and co-produced the film) get another shot at being cool ... because "make-your-own-pizza-nights" while mourning the death of a cat isn't. Posey plays the assistant to a Southern-belle senator running for vice presidency (out lesbian Jane Lynch), and it just so happens the politician's daughter (Amber Tamblyn of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants") could screw this all up if she's caught vacationing on South Padre Island like a topless chick from "Girls Gone Wild." That's where Posey comes in - she's a spring-break spy, and her BFFs are traveling in tow. Uh-oh, cue the crazy shit.

Judi, whose sexual energy cache is teeming after splitting with her very homo husband, gets drunk and dirty - or something like that - with a hubba-hubba hottie. Gayle lets loose in some silly shenanigans with the cool crowd. Posey does nothing but act duller than a muzzled Urkel on sedatives.

"Mean Girls" is an obvious muse here, but unlike that deliciously wicked script, this lazy, bone-dry one - sloppy and reliant on ineffective one-liners - sucks the comedic chops right out of the funny-female trifecta. And then vacuum-seals it so that they can only sneak some humorous life into this mess. Jane Lynch, as the always dependable cameo queen, finagles a few laughs as a whack-job politician, but it's painful to watch - like a cute doggy limping its way home (heck, her in that half-a-minute Healthy Choice commercial beats this).

All the actresses, even Lynch, are comedic champs - especially Poehler with her "SNL" work - but "Spring Breakdown" stumbles like a drunken bimbo, almost resembling "Girls Gone Wild" in parts, but without a trace of boundary-pushing offensiveness. Even with an R-rating.

The stupid comedy, directed by "SNL" producer Ryan Shiraki, doesn't find any new ways of saying what's already been said - love you for you - but does so with clunky, long stretches of booty-bumping, foam parties and tomato wrestling, all bloating the film way past its welcome. And it's only 84 minutes. C-

'Between Love & Goodbye'

This effed-up farce brags that it's the queer "Revolutionary Road," already setting its standards stratospherically high. But it rarely delivers on them. Yeah, some of gay director Casper Andreas' (known for sex comedies like 2004's "Slutty Summer") wrist-slitting hyper-drama works (there's some solid supporting acting work from a spunky dyke and great, artistic shots). The convoluted story, though - an immigrant weds his lover's lesbian pal so he can stay in the states - is bulldozed by a melodramatic out-of-character finale that makes a soap opera look like real life.

'Sia: TV is My Parent'

How this Aussie soul songstress can go from penis-size banter to achy soul-redeeming (or depleting) gems is something to behold. Her first live DVD captures her quirky Looney Tunes persona with a captivating mix of music, mostly culled from her latest LP, "Some People Have Real Problems." Sia barely has any here, with standouts like "Little Black Sandals" and - bias alert!: uber-"Six Feet Under" fan here - the hauntingly killer "Breathe Me." Breathe this, hear this, love this.

'He's Just Not that Into You'

Look, I wanted it to work. Thing is, I'm still hung up on "Love Actually," the 2003 rom-com that inspired you for this crud. It's just more my type: witty, heartwarming, a near-perfect balance between slapstick and sweet romance and drunken dirty-mouthed musicians. You were too long. Too tangled. And even with a standout Ginnifer Goodwin as an adorably annoying unlucky-in-love gal and gay-rag worker Drew Barrymore, we were doomed from the start. I'm sorry. I wish you the best, and, uh, maybe I'll see you around ... in Walmart's discount DVD bin.